I have been thinking a lot about family lately, simply because I am entering the stage of wanting to create a family myself. Wow- to think like three years ago I was afraid of motherhood.

Time really changes things. 

Questions like: “How does being a kinship adoptee affect motherhood?” & “Does it depend on the experience of the individual?” keeps entering my mind.  

Most of my fears stemmed from emotional support availability, village support, and finances.  I used to question why it was so easy for my birth mother to stay absent in my life. I could understand that she had her own demons, but how could she stay away? 

I always thought it was easy for her and that type of easiness is what I feared would be somewhere in me. It was so scary to think about because I didn’t want demons to ever separate me from the child that I would give birth to. Safe to say, I understand a lot more as I near thirty than I did at twelve. 

Life has a way of revealing why certain experiences were like they were.

Growing up, my cousin didn’t have the tools to provide me with the emotional support I needed in the household. There really wasn’t space for understanding feelings or diving deeper into emotion. Her parents were the same way and so I learned to suppress a lot of my emotions because I didn’t want to be annoying. Suppressing these emotions led to me being a very people-pleasing and academically motivated child. And yes, you guessed it- a very people-pleasing and empathetic adult. How I behave is directly correlated to how I grew up, and how I viewed parenthood and family.

So I would say yes, Kinship adoption does affect how you will be a mother. The premise of “family” is still prevalent, it’s just unique. You will always have to explain your family trees to your children because they eventually will have questions. And it may not always be a deep conversation but the questions asked may spark emotion within yourself.  I see how my sister is a mom and its admirable to see her pave the journey that works for her.

I knew I didn’t want to be emotionally absent from my children to be able to express, love, and be themselves. And watching my older sister navigate her own experience yet still show up for her children, make that worry of mine lessen.

But I still have to prepare right? Now that I am at that stage of family preparation and thinking, here’s what I’ve been doing: 

• Connecting with fellow Black adoptee moms. (Shout out to La Tika @blueresilience) 
• Intentional Reading – currently looking into “Motherhood So White” by Nefertiti Austin
• Journaling out my emotions and fears.
• Strengthening my relationship with my partner. 
• Continuously building my friendship with my mom.

I have to remember that even though preparation and planning helps- I am still healing. However, I am healing through a lens of understanding and not animosity. Lots of my fears stemmed from animosity toward my birth parents and emotional disconnection from my adoptive parents. Breaking through that barrier was a huge shift for me.

It’s an emotional venture and mindset shift versus a physical one. And its a quite a journey.

Fellow Black kinship adoptees, how have you prepared for or experienced motherhood? 

Let me know in the comments, see you in the next blog.

Teish