As adoptees, we’re often told how grateful we should be. From a young age, we hear things like, “You’re lucky someone took you in,” or “It could’ve been worse.” Those words can feel heavy—especially when you’re still trying to figure out who you are, where you belong, and what parts of yourself to embrace.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how shame has shaped my experience, and I’ve realized something: You can’t love yourself through shame. Yet, so many of us try. We tell ourselves, “If I criticize this part of me enough, maybe it’ll change.” But that isn’t love—that’s survival.

I know I’m not alone here.

The Weight of “Gratitude”

It can be exhausting to live with the expectation that you should always feel grateful. Grateful for being adopted. Grateful for not being in worse situations. Grateful even when parts of you feel unsettled or disconnected. The message seems to be: “Don’t complain—other people have it worse.”

But when you’re 12, a teenager, or even in college, trying to find your way through life, those words can feel like a slap in the face.

They push us to bury our emotions because we think our struggles don’t matter. Over time, that suppression turns inward—we start to shame ourselves for feeling anything at all.

But here’s the truth: You’re allowed to feel everything. Adoption isn’t just a story of rescue or luck; it’s also a story of loss, identity, and belonging. And every part of that story deserves space, no matter how messy or complicated it feels.

Unlearning Shame

Many of us carry shame that isn’t even ours to hold. I think about how birth parents are often met with shame when they ask for help or can’t raise their child the way they wanted to. That shame doesn’t disappear—it’s passed down, sometimes without us realizing it.

As adoptees, we absorb that weight, wondering if we are the reason things went wrong. But we aren’t foolish for being here. We aren’t broken or less-than because we need time to understand ourselves.

Shame shows up when we feel like we’ve fallen short—when we don’t fit into the roles others expect of us, when we ask for help, or when we admit that we’re struggling. But shame isn’t a sign that you’re failing; it’s a sign that you’re human. And being human is messy.

You know, you get to take a break right?

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s okay to not have it all together. For so long, I thought I had to figure it out on my own. I told myself I couldn’t break down, couldn’t ask for help, couldn’t try new things unless I knew I’d succeed. But that way of thinking was holding me back from healing.

We need to give ourselves permission to break when we need to. To ask for help without guilt. To explore who we are, even if the journey feels uncertain. And most importantly, we need to love ourselves through the process—not after we’ve “fixed” everything.

So, How Do We Move Forward When Experiencing Shame?

As National Adoption Awareness Month approaches, I want to encourage all of us to think about how shame shows up in our lives. Who taught us that we needed to be perfect? Why do we feel guilty for needing time to process? And what happens when we finally let go of that shame?

If you’ve spent years carrying shame—whether for being adopted, needing help, or struggling with your identity—it can feel impossible to imagine life without it. But starting small is better than not starting at all.

You’re allowed to show up for yourself, even if it’s just a little at a time.

We are not here to prove our worth to anyone. We are here to live fully, to embrace every part of our story, and to love ourselves along the way. Shame has no place in that journey- or shall I say it may creep in but it can’t stay.

So let’s remind ourselves—and each other—that it’s okay to take a break, to ask for help, and to grow at our own pace.

How have you dealt with shame in your life? Any tips for others in our community?

From my room with love,

Teish