11:16 p.m., and still no text.

I waited all day, hoping for a simple “Merry Christmas” or even a call from the contact saved in my phone as “Mommy.” But it never came. Maybe it was a glitch in the service from her latest vacation spot. Maybe she just forgot. Either way, here I sit—feeling forgotten, sad… hurt?

All I wanted was a text.

To be someone’s first thought, not an afterthought. This is my third Christmas spent away from my family. Moving to different states hasn’t made holiday travel easy, and I’m still learning how to navigate the season without them. Still, I thought I’d at least get a call.

Sometimes I don’t know where I fit in this family dynamic. It’s a twisted feeling—I know I’m loved, logically, but I don’t feel it emotionally. Every time I take five steps ahead- I get pushed three back.

I find myself asking:

Who is a girl without her mother? Without a mother figure?

Who is the girl who “did it right”? The one who followed the steps, achieved success, and shines bright—yet just needs a mom to watch a movie with her? To check in? Not for financial help, but for emotional support. Life can be so hard—sometimes, a girl just needs her mom. That’s it.

In needing a mother figure, I’m also redefining what a mother means in my life as a kinship adoptee. I don’t have a real relationship with either my adoptive mom or my biological mom. How do I create legacy and substance out of nothing? Is something wrong with me?

To adoptive parents reading my blog—especially those in kinship adoption—
It’s not enough to just be there or to supply basic needs. The emotional stuff matters, too. When you adopt a child within your family, ask yourself:

• Do you really want to take on this role?
• Are you ready to know the child for who they are, to witness and nurture their growth into a young adult?
• Do you have space for their emotions, sensitivities, and needs—not just as a child, but as they grow into adulthood?

I am grateful for the woman who raised me, but now, when I need her most, I don’t have her. Nor do I have my biological mom.

So where do I go from here?

Kinship woes, I guess.

From my room with tears,

Teisha