Growing up, I didn’t know how to ask the tough questions. You know what I mean? I just wanted to feel welcomed, to have opportunities, and to not feel guilty about wanting those things.

Even with the love and opportunities I had, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing—validation, affirmation, all those complicated emotions that come with being adopted. But I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed. It wasn’t until my twenties, when I found the space to have healthier conversations, that I realized it was okay to ask.

And here’s the thing: That’s a normal feeling. Growing up with extended family—or anyone other than your biological parents—can be complicated. They’re raising you, but they’re not your parents, and yet, somehow, you’re expected to treat them like they are. Anyone else go back and forth in their heads?

That dynamic can make asking questions feel intimidating.

You start wondering:

What can I ask?

Will they see me differently if I ask this?

How do I even start this conversation?

It’s especially tricky when you’re raised alongside cousins or siblings who are biologically connected to the family. You start feeling like an outsider in your own home, afraid to ask the questions that could bring clarity. And while none of this is done deliberately – that doesn’t negate the feeling.

But here’s what I’ve learned: Asking those questions is necessary. And when you find the courage to ask, the answers can help you better understand yourself and your place in the world.

So what should you ask- here are five questions to get you started:

1. Can we go to *insert favorite restaurant* this week, just me and you? (Optional to add: I want to ask some things about my birth parents.)

2. How did you know it was the right decision to raise me?

3. Did you feel supported in your decision to help raise me?

4. Can you tell me more about what my birth parents were like?

5. What was your favorite part of helping raise me?

Some of these questions are simple, but they open the door for deeper conversations. Others might just need a yes or no, but even that can provide the clarity you’re seeking.

Here’s why it matters:

The way you see yourself is shaped by the environment you grow up in, but understanding how you were raised—and by whom—can offer new insight into who you are.

Asking questions isn’t easy, but the right questions can unlock answers you didn’t even know you needed.

I get it—it’s nerve-wracking. It’s scary to peel back layers, especially as we get older and wonder if it’s too late to ask. But it’s never too late. Sometimes, the conversation we avoided as kids is the one we still need as adults.

So, will it be uncomfortable? Yes.
Will it be eye-opening? Absolutely.

But finding yourself means starting at the root. And the only way to get there is by asking the questions that have been on your heart all along.

That’s all for now ya’ll – tell me what you think in the comments below.

From my room with love,

Teish