It feels like the sun went out—like someone reached into my chest and turned the light off. It’s dark right now. I know it won’t stay this way, but today, this is where I am.

The good thing is, I still showed up for myself in small ways. I made a really good smoothie earlier—banana, avocado, apple, spinach, peanut butter, honey, and yogurt. It was packed with protein, and it nourished me. Even in the middle of this depressive episode, I know routine is one of the keys that helps me find my way back.

I don’t have conversation in me right now. Even if I tried, the energy would fall flat. I’m often in spaces where people assume I’m upset or that something is wrong with them, and it’s exhausting to explain that sometimes I’m just doing the best I can. Right now, my capacity looks like going to work, coming home, and going to sleep. That’s all the energy I have—and that’s okay. That’s what I’m looking forward to.

I went to the doctor today, which is a lot in itself. I had another Pap smear, and I’m praying that it comes back normal. My iron levels are all in the green, though, and that’s something to celebrate. That matters.

I’ve been thinking about how to recognize the good in a day—even when you’re living with managed depression. Today, the good looked like this:

I woke up this morning, and that’s a blessing.

I have a bedtime.

I got a Blackbird doughnut and a chai latte.

I completed everything I needed to do today.

And I gave a really strong presentation around restorative justice.

Then I came home.

The sun will shine again. I know that. But right now, I’m going through it. I’m trying to figure out how often I even want to show up on social media, and the truth is—the blog is where I feel at home. It’s where I can breathe, where I don’t have to perform.

So if your sun is out right now—dim, flickering, or completely gone—and you’re trying to find your way back to the light, know this: routine can help, grace matters, and you don’t have to do it alone. We can get back to life together.

From my writing corner,

Teish