“Do you know your real parents?”
…you mean my biological parents?
It’s the question that can turn a perfectly good day into an awkward interrogation. Whether you’re at a coffee shop, a holiday dinner, or just meeting a new friend, this question has a way of finding us.
We don’t even have to tell people we’re adopted, it just happens. Like is there an aura light somewhere lol. On a serious note though, If you’ve been there, you know why it’s so heavy.
The word “real” implies that the people who raised you, the people who show up for you, or the life you are living now is somehow a “placeholder.” And because language is so important – we need to be comfortable with using the word biological and correcting people.
Here is a reminder you might need today: You have the power to decide how much of your story you owe to anyone. You are not a walking educational pamphlet for the curious public.
To help you protect your peace, here are three ways to handle the “Real Parents” question based on who is asking, especially when they find out you’re an adoptee:
1. The Educational Pivot
Use this for: Friends or family members who mean well but lack the right language.
- The Script: “I actually prefer the term ‘biological parents’ or ‘birth parents.’ And while I do have a relationship with that part of my story, I like to keep those specific details private. Thanks for understanding.”
- Why it works: You are correcting the terminology while also setting expectation.
The Hard Boundary
Use this for: The nosy stranger, the overly curious coworker, or anyone who feels entitled to your history.
- The Script: “That’s a pretty personal question to ask, don’t you think? I’m not really looking to dive into my family history today. Let’s talk about [Topic Change] instead.”
- Why it works: It puts the “awkwardness” back on the person who asked the inappropriate question. You are under no obligation to be “nice” at the expense of your comfort.
The Humorous Deflection
Use this for: When you want to lighten the mood or show how uncomfortable the question actually is.
- The Script: “Real parents? Well, I’m pretty sure the ones I have aren’t ghosts! They’re as real as it gets. Why do you ask?”
- Why it works: Humor is a great way to signal that the topic is closed without creating a high-tension confrontation.
I’ve heard of horror stories of how this question can go for the worse and I just want us to understand the power we have over certain conversations. If you want to talk in detail, of course you can, but you should have that choice.
Your Story Belongs to You
Whether you know your biological family or not, and whether you have a relationship with them or not, you are the gatekeeper of that information. Choosing not to share isn’t “hiding”; it’s whatever you need it be.
Stay rooted in your truth, and remember that you get to define what “real” means in your own life.
From my writing corner with love,
Teish
I’ll see you next week!
Adopted Black Girl 