Being direct is hard. Don’t get me wrong. It’s one of those things where you have to sit down, think about what you want to say, and then make it concise. But so many things get in the way, right? Environment, circumstance, personal attachments, loss, and more.
For most people the patience and the silence are uncomfortable. The brain starts asking, what’s the point? There’s no action here. But there is action in sitting in the silence.
In this blog I’m going to talk about how restorative approaches help you be direct, and give you some scripts so you can actually be successful with it. Let’s get started.
Restoring trust between a child and a parent
The first scenario I see a lot is restoring trust between a child and a parent. I have done this with my birth parents, who battled substance abuse. It took a lot to say how I was feeling regardless of the outcome, but it had to be done:
I feel as though I’ve missed out on a lot of childhood experiences and getting to know who you are. And it’s really affected me in parts of my life. I don’t want to carry this around as I continue to grow up. Are you open to building a relationship with me?
By starting with that openness, you allow someone else — who may have harmed you, or who you don’t even know — to reach a level of understanding and be themselves without being defensive first.
Most of the time when we start with “why,” or with “what made you do that,” people get defensive and the conversation ceases. Starting this way does the opposite. And when we talk about restoration, we need openness to make time to repair.
Restoring a relationship with a sibling
Let’s do one more, especially in the household.
When I was younger I didn’t talk to my sister for two years. As the youngest of seven, me and her were the closest and were raised together. It seems so trivial now, but then it was the biggest deal in the world.
What that did was break up two years of me getting to know her, and it made her feel as though she did something wrong — when in reality it was just my insecurity.
Coming back from that, we have a great relationship now. But one of those restored responses looked like this:
I was really tripping here. My actions, I’m not proud of, and I’m disappointed in myself. Are you open to forgiveness, and what would it take to get there?
Simple, sweet. It doesn’t have to be long.
Own what happened. Own how you feel. And don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
I think when we’re afraid to be vulnerable — how can you ever restore what has been harmed?
It’s not easy. It takes steps. We are all on our different journeys.
Let’s revisit next week on the blog with some more restorative responses. Thank you for reading this week.
New here? Want to learn more? Send me a message.
From my writing corner with love,
Teish
Adopted Black Girl 